your room smells of hookers.
And success
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
