I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
