how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
