He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
