Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
