when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
zippers are such a cool invention
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Randomize
