I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
