help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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