My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
