u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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