This girl is more easily done than said...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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