i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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