she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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