Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
