I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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