Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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