I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
