Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
