My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
3pm strippers are depressing
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
