all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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