I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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