You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
