I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Semen is not good for contacts.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
