my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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