dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
