My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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