my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
