I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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