Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
