I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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