So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
