I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
