That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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