You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
