Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
