as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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