This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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