She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
