Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
