I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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