If that was your dad, he is hot
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Houston, we have a squirter
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
