Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
They took my balls.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
