Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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