Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
