his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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