Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
