My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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