I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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