When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
