thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
my poor anus
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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