accomplished twins. life is a go
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
