you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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