***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
