My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
